Dr. Zeus’s Quick Course: 10 Revealing Experiments to Help You ‘Learn into’ Your Emotions
by Zeus Yiamouyiannis, Ph.D. (aka “Dr. Zeus” of AskDrZeus.com)
Warm-up: What is an emotion? (Define emotion in your own words.)
1) Creatively brainstorm with a piece of paper or on a keyboard, listing spontaneously (without analyzing anything) all the characteristics of emotion you can think of.
2) Look at your list and come up with your own thoughtful definition in answer to the question “What is an emotion?”
1. Do people feel the same things?
1) Describe an instance when you thought you were ‘on the same page’ feeling-wise with another person but found out you were not.
2) What were the consequences?
3) Looking back, what might you have done to check if you were feeling the same thing?
4) How might this have improved the situation?
2. What role does emotion play in our social lives?
1) Test the theory offered by psychology that getting an unexpected gift from someone from whom you were not expecting to receive a gift creates greater response than simply getting a gift from someone you do expect.
2) Here is your experiment: Offer something “out of the ordinary” of a pleasant nature to your loved one, partner, child, etc.
o How did they respond?
o Share their response and your ideas about why they responded that way.
Ex. This could be a husband insisting on doing the dishes and putting the kids to bed, or an unromantic partner suddenly suggesting a romantic night out…
o Use your imagination!
o Then note how they respond! Are they happy? Suspicious? Etc.
o What does their response say about their emotional profile?
o How did doing this make you feel?
3. How can you use emotional challenges and incentives to become more emotionally intelligent and effective?
1) Look into your past for a persistent or challenging emotional pattern or dynamic (esp. family patterns and dynamics). This is your “motivating emotional challenge” or antithesis. (Ex. Feeling diminished or resentful for not being the “favorite” child in the family.)
2) Look into your present being for an encouraging, inspiring, or joy-oriented passion or interest. This is your “creative emotional incentive” or thesis. (Ex. Having the desire to rise up and develop special talents on your own.)
3) Use your “creative emotional incentive” to re-cast and re-vision your “motivating emotional challenge”. This is your “collaborative innovation” or synthesis. (Ex. Recognizing that the challenge and incentive might be two sides of the same coin.)
4) Does the “push” of the challenge and the “pull” of the creative incentive help to re-pattern or heal an old dynamic or pattern? Isn’t it true that certain “lacks” can generate an inner desire to produce something of value yourself?
4. How do feeling and thinking impact each other?
1) Identify a strong negative emotion you are experiencing: Focus on and describe the feeling.
2) Appraise or evaluate the feeling with thinking: Is this a desirable of undesirable emotion? Why is it desirable or undesirable?
3) Intervene: Do a “hard stop.” Call yourself out; bring yourself “up short” without getting down on yourself or complicating this experiment with additional feelings of guilt, self-judgment or self-anger. Say to yourself: “Stop it right there. Hold on!”
4) Interrupt (optional): If need be, stop yourself from following through on an impulsive action that might be coming from this negative emotion, i.e. sending off an angry email. Describe the lasting effect it had/has on you.
5) Reverse: Concentrate on “flipping” your identified negative emotion into the opposite emotion. We are trying here to use thought to “reverse the state” of the emotion. For instance, if you are irritated by a driver’s seeming pushiness next to you, focus on compassion by imagining the crowded, anxious life that he or she is living and how it has manifested in this action. Describe the effect this “reversing” has on your perception of the incident.
6) Consolidate: Take time to let the experience sink in and notice what happens on a body, mind, and heart level. Express gratitude to yourself and the other person for the opportunity to practice this emotional “alchemy” of changing emotional lead into gold. What effect does gratitude have?
5. What effects do negative and positive thoughts have on feeling and vice versa?
1) Come up with a negative thought about a person you know. Focus on it and give it energy
2) Note what kind of feeling arises in your being about that person.
3) Now, come up with a positive thought about a person you know. Focus on it, and give it energy. (In advanced experiments, you can even use the same person for both negative and positive thoughts).
4) Now, note what kind of feeling arises in your being about that person.
5) Do you find that a negative thought inspires a negative feeling? Do you find that a positive thought inspires a positive feeling? Yes or no?
6) Does a negative feeling inspire negative thoughts? Does a positive feeling inspire positive thoughts?
7) What does this show us about the connection between thought and feeling?
6. What effects do changing your actions in emotional situations have on thoughts and feelings?
1) Pick out an emotional pattern, “pet peeve,” or lasting negative feeling you have experienced.
2) Now, instead of “reversing” your thinking on it (to develop different feelings), try a reverse action (contrary to your normal response). including inviting others to change their actions in unexpected ways!
3) Observe and share the effects of your new actions on you and on others around you.
• What were your emotional responses?
• What were others’ emotional responses?
Examples:
1) If you are a perfectionist, literally and intentionally misspell several words in an assignment and use run-on sentences (you can correct them later, just do it to observe your emotional response) OR simply decide to do a “good enough” job and relax rather than striving for perfection and getting yourself stressed out.
2) If your pet peeve is friends on cell phones when you go out, get them all to agree to put away cell phones for the night as an experiment (or alternately, to check them together for emergencies on the hour, and allow one selfie at the end of the night).
3) If you had a traumatic experience in your desire to sing in public, make it your assignment to karaoke or join the church or community choir.
4) If you get your signals crossed with your spouse on going out alone or with a relative, develop a signal (gesture, etc.) to “get on the same” page.
5) Or simply have fun identifying an unwritten social or emotional “rule” in your home, group of friends, etc. and break it! You can let people (after their uncertainty) know you are doing this for an experiment, but let the spontaneous emotions arise in yourself and them first!
7. What might happen in a conflict situation if you proactively used empathy rather than reacting from your emotional patterns?
1) Identify an area of persistent conflict between you and a loved one: Describe the area of conflict, how it developed, and why it persists. (Ex. Perhaps feeling abandoned as a child has you worried your present mate will leave you, even though there is no evidence of the kind. This anxiety prompts you to yell at him or her when they get home late. They in turn yell back thinking you are irrationally lacking trust in them.)
2) Either proactively (before it happens again) or in the middle of another episode of this conflict call a “time out.” You are interrupting the unconscious pattern with a surprising action. (Ex. “I’m not going to blow up at you like I usually do. I just want to talk in a normal way.”)
3) Open with empathy: Say explicitly, “I am going to listen to you and gain your perspective. What is your frustration here? Where is it coming from? What are your feelings around this issue? I am going to take the time to understand where you are coming from and empathize with your situation. This is ‘you’ time to communicate freely what’s on your mind.” (Ex. Engage in non-defensive listening with an intent to understand from their perspective.)
4) Try to empathize from a self-focused and other-focused orientation: Try to feel what they are feeling as they are talking, and be attentive, asking sincere questions which draw out rather than skeptical questions which shut down conversation. Remember: This is not about your feelings at the moment, but rather you identifying and linking with the feelings of another. (Ex. Let your focus and energy reside with the other person. You are not worrying about being right or getting your point across.)
5) Debrief: Summarize that person’s feelings, validate them, and share with them what you learned from what they said, especially misunderstandings and past patterns that came up. Share your own feelings in ways that work with the feelings of the other and see if the two of you can work out a different way of relating in the future if the same issue comes up. (Ex. Give a little signal or touch to reassure the other person that they have not disappeared from your mind.)
NOTE: A lot of time these issues arise out of some insecurity associated with past experience. By proactively validating the other person to be honest and transparent, you are both breaking the silence and the negative pattern. This “moment of grace” can provide a supportive presence and helpful feelings can be turned up to help solve the problem.
8. What is your greatest personal fear (i.e. for yourself NOT others. Ex. Fear of personal failure NOT fear of losing a child)?
1) Identify and describe the fear using a life example.
2) What are the signs it is creeping up (or jumping up!) on you?
3) How do you tend to deal with it?
4) How have you attempted to overcome it? What were the results?
5) What insights can you offer from your engagement with your deep fears?
9. How does judgmentalism (esp. stereotyping and prejudice) interact with emotion?
1) Describe an example where you expressed disgust, contempt, or strong negative judgment toward someone.
• How did it make you feel?
• What effect did that expression have on your relationship with that person?
2) Describe an example where you expressed appreciation, admiration, or some other strong positive judgment toward someone.
• How did it make you feel?
• What effect did that expression have on your relationship with that person?
3) Use the contrast between these two scenarios to discuss how you might go back and at least hold the space for a more constructive interaction with the person you judged negatively.
10. What effects do lying about, repressing, or being silent about deep emotions have on you, your family, and your community?
1) Give an example from your past when you lied to yourself and others emotionally (or repressed or were silent) about a matter of deep concern to you.
2) What was your reason for doing this?
3) What consequences did it have on you? How did it make you feel?
4) What consequences did it have on others? How did it make them feel?
5) How might you have responded differently, knowing what you know now.
Copyright 2017, Zeus Yiamouyiannis, Ph.D, AskDrZeus.com