There is something seductive about seduction. For eons it has captivated the human imagination. The dangers and predatory possibilities of seduction remain ever-present, but this danger only adds to its allure. In the age of #MeToo, even “civilized” seduction seems to be a dying art, yet we still romanticize seduction’s unbridled expression of desire, clothed in artful charm, roguish allure, or vixenous temptation. A vampire invited in through the window, the siren of Greek mythology luring us toward our doom, the “ravishing” will of the brute in a romance novel, the transfixing peril of the femme fatale in film noir, all speak to a desire in all of us to be desired at our deepest and most basic level. Yes, we know we will likely come to ruin if we cede to seduction, but at least we will be known and addressed at a level that no self-administered scratch can itch.
Seduction speaks to our deep need to feel special, to catch someone’s glow, and to light up the room for someone when we enter the room, and we sense that there is something transcendent and even spiritual about that magic. Like so many magical things, our desire to experience magic lures us into disenchanted games. We also want to be deeply desired. In the expressed desire of another, we are not only affirmed but given a purpose. “That person needs me. That person wants me. Now.” I may be a mother, a father, a professional, or even a friend, but a uniquely transcendent confirmation of my being comes in someone else wanting something only I can give.
What is the alternative? Is it to lead the conventional (boring) and moral life? No! Our hearts rebel at this kind of surrender. Better to surrender to the arts of someone pretending that we are special. Who doesn’t want to be “cherished” for a moment, to experience a temporary and even false specialness, rather than feel nothing at all? This article offers a better way to do that– through emotional adventure and intimacy that builds personal delight, connection, and self-respect, rather than sacrificing integrity to gain adoration. In short this article is for those that want to experience themselves as special– a single person wanting to cut through bland conventions, or a person in a committed relationship who wants to rediscover magic. Even those who are looking for a “candy bar” romantic experience on the side, might find some of these tips can spice up their sense of possibility.
The only thing that stops most of us from giving into seduction is the very calm fact that it almost always ends disastrously when we return to the real world. On a whole raft of levels, from sexually transmitted diseases, to ruined marriages, to whisperings and humiliations, or to long-running affairs that never seem to culminate in anything other than elicit liaisons, seductions have their price, and it is dear. But what if we could actually cultivate that desire in ways that did not require the predatory attributes of seduction and the untoward consequences?
What if we could deeply know another and be deeply emotionally known without the theatrics of “Fifty Shades” or the politics of sexual harassment? What if we could embrace delighted adventure and leave behind a misbegotten Puritanism? What if we could embrace our sexuality, sensuality, and emotionality, and find an open, tender, respectful, and thrilling space to explore and share our desire? This alternative to both predatory seduction and romantic boredom has become all the more critical as we find ourselves locked in together from the coronavirus outbreak and a host of future changes that may require a forced intimacy.
We can reawaken a positive and adventurous intimacy. This childlike desire we all have to curiously explore and take up the unknown can be combined with an adult desire to engage another with deep tenderness and respect. Your being, your body (physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually) is in John Mayer’s immortal words, “a wonderland.” There is no need to ruin our beings with indifference, texting each other over dinner, or with the tacit cruelty residing within seduction. There is joy in feeling discovery and beauty, in experiencing our human spirits as joined and our bodies as new. This joy can take up residence in emotional intelligence, exploration, and engagement rather than deceit or routine. This craft can be developed humorously, creatively, sensitively, and even awkwardly.
So what does it take to truly learn into and to like another human being as an act of love? Surprisingly, it is simple, if we trust ourselves to focus upon our best qualities, if we are forgiving of our foibles, and if we retain our courage, creativity, and curiosity in our attempts to reveal the deeper parts of ourselves and discover the deeper parts of others. The difficulty lies not so much in the journey itself, but our resistance to taking the first steps into the unknown. We, men especially, have not demonstrated ourselves as a most emotionally deep species, but that is a choice, not our nature.
The most important thing we have to know is that we don’t have to know. We don’t even have to pretend to know ourselves. We don’t have to pretend to know someone else. We don’t have to pretend to be other than ourselves, and we certainly should not make someone else feel like they have to be something other than themselves to gain our interest.
Utter authenticity is the primary, can’t-do-without-it standard when it comes to full and deep relationship with yourself and others. Trust yourself at your most intimate levels. Heed the call of the wonder in you, and do not let nagging insecurities sabotage your stepping out. Now, of course that little non-spiritual voice inside your head may say, “Well, what if what I am is not all that interesting.” To this, I say, “Really?” How do you know that? So you haven’t managed to fashion yourself into a sparkling career? So you aren’t listed in the Who’s Who of genius, heavy-hitters? So what! Are you kooky, awkward, introverted, outrageous, extraverted, talented, vital, and original? Then proceed!
You don’t even need to know your talents exactly. Do you love certain things? Do you find yourself drawn deeply into exploring certain interests? Do you care about the world and the well-being of others? Great! That’s all you need. Talk about those things. Share them. “I am passionate about _____.” “I care about _____.” I am deeply interested in learning more about _______. ” My wife, Regina, calls these “sparks of desire” and observes rightly that these fascinations find themselves rooted most honestly in childhood. If you go back to your childhood to those things you were intensely drawn to, you will find your fertile seeds of desire as an adult.
“Well, what if someone doesn’t like my seeds of desire, and I really like that person?” Answer: Anyone who uses your desire for them over and above your desire for the most central affinities and loves in your life is a seducer. He or she is a world of hurt just waiting to happen. Allow your own childlike fascination with the creative nature your own being, with others, and with the world to “seduce” you positively, to draw you in to the deeper affinities of your being, and then find someone who enjoys sharing that with you.
Respect is another important attribute of a vital and charged “thrilling” relationship. This respect is respect “for” someone, not just “about” them. This can be difficult, especially between genders. Different styles and different ideas about how to handle vulnerability, discussion, timing, boundaries, and choice, will often set the best-intentioned couples against each other. The motto is not “Treat others how you would want to be treated,” but rather “Treat others how they want to be treated (while still retaining and translating your own authentic views).
This is tricky business. Because we are inherently special, we see and experience the world differently. As a result, our deep needs will not be automatically known, even by those closest to us. It is immature to believe that those deeper needs ought to be catered to (men) or mind-read (women). Be explicit about your deeper needs and dreams, and let the art of love come in the exploration and wonder that can surround them. (Hint: Dreams and needs are not problems to be solved, but journeys of imagination and experimentation to be taken.)
Sensual desire is critical to any level of relationship, even friendship. In romance this sensuality can move into sexuality but sensuality itself is distinct. It is more innocent and less demanding, more childlike and less political. It asks for nothing but its expression and sharing, and delight is not found in some pre-determined “result” achieved for the giver, but in simply discovering new feelings and releasing the expectations of the mind into the warmth of the heart. Children are great at this. They can be fascinated for hours just by a mud puddle. Why can’t we adults learn to be fascinated in the same way with each other’s bodies? Instead of judging our bodies or those of our mates, explore them!
One of the best ways to do this is through sensual touch. Instead of using massage, for instance, as an instrument of foreplay, why not experiment with massage being an end in itself as a generator of shared pleasure. For men, this insight can be especially potent and freeing. There is no need to perform or maintain an image. The ability to listen and touch in pleasurable and playful ways takes the obligation out from both males (performance) and females (“I need to make the man feel secure about himself”). If some sexual “gifts” and desire arise from this more innocent sensuality, stay with the sensuality initially and save the sex for a later time.
The essential intimate practice of curiosity is related to sensuality. When you are curious and when don’t have to prove anything, you are open to learning. Your attention can be actually trained on the presence of the other person. That alone can make them feel special and do much to curtail their insecurities. How many times do women ask men (and vice versa), “Where are you right now?” (even in the most intimate acts). Fewer things kill intimacy and enjoyment more than having your mate be preoccupied with some issue when you are there naked (emotionally if not physically) in front of them.
Whatever it takes, agree to drop preoccupation and be there for and with the other person! Get good at carving untroubled time and space together, where the only focus is the two of you, where you can let go and let yourself be present. Curiosity also helps to cure egoism, because it involves asking caring questions about what the other person thinks, experiences, and feels about new things rather than boasting and exaggerating about old things. Curiosity is key to two people actually enjoying each other.
Emotional warmth, kindness, and tenderness are key to emotional intimacy and intelligence. Warmth, kindness, and tenderness are not simply airy attributes, but earthy elements– the ability to embrace an experience joyously as it is and embrace someone else joyously as they are (warts and all) and find something affirming in that act. Imagine your favorite elicit joy as a child, maybe wrapped in a warm blanket, watching cartoons, while furtively sneaking a few bites from a stolen cookie. or playing out on the street or by the creek with friends.
There is an self-conscious intrinsic enjoyment in these vivid experiences without the developed prejudices and worries of most adults. The same mindset needs to prevail in emotional warmth, kindness, and tenderness between adults. It is not a principle, but an active shared energy. It is not an obligation, but a way to be yourself and share yourself at your most contented and generous level. Each one of us is an emotional sun, potentially radiating joy, generated by our inmost desires and talents. We need not let emotional clouds mask this reality. There are times of emotional clouds and rain, for these too nourish the emotional earth upon which we stand, but let your emotional sun touch that moist soil, so relationship may sprout and grow in new ways.
Finally we need to respond to and love one another at every level of relationship. The whole inspiration for this essay, came out of an expressed need by a former female student of mine to find men that were more emotionally sensitive, intelligent, and active. She found much learning in my “Motivation and Emotion” psychology class that explored many of the same principles mentioned in this article. That class, and a current book I am writing, are aimed at allowing people to curiously and creatively “learn into” negative emotions and relationship problems and transform them into positive feelings and opportunities. This allows us to know ourselves and others at deeper and deeper levels. The only problem (and opportunity) is that we have to mutually learn and agree to this in relationship. So let’s start now, developing together this emotional and intimate “labor of love” and find in the fruits of such intimacy a freedom to gloriously share and be ourselves.